It’s been almost three weeks since I officially left work – YES! finally (and how time flies). And just to make things clear, I am happy that I left (because that was the plan two years ago) but also feeling sentimental about leaving my friends and colleagues. But still thankful for the shared memories with them, and learning of course. It’s been 4 years!
And now, I’m here staying at home (for the mean time) until I finally land a job in… I don’t exactly know when, and somehow, that’s what keeps me a bit uneasy from the time I took off from work.
Just a little background on my last job – I am a graphic artist (and if you want to hire me, just message me *winks*). I basically do almost all of the visual collaterals needed in a company: Flyers, brochures/catalogs, recipe booklets, pull up banners, standees and the like. To be fair, that was also what I imagined my job would be after I graduated from college. But as time flies, I felt like there’s no growth (not on the company where I was, because they sometimes encourage us to try different duties inside the company like being a sales associate during SALE week in the brands that we handle, and I also get to experience to be an in-house photographer for the events that’s happening inside our showroom floors) inside of me in this desk job that I was doing. It’s true, I love designing, but the love for it started declining after 2 years of working in my previous work. Stress and pressure grew a lot bigger than before especially when I have to handle a NEW BRAND. Looking back, I felt that that was the time the big stress started to ate up my mind that I’ve experienced panic attacks especially when I’m about to go to work (aka commute) and whenever I handle THAT new brand and handle new projects/sale for the other brands that I handle. In addition to that, the first heartbreak started to sink in. *meh* And it’s not just my mind that is being hassled after all, even my physical health starts to take its toll on me. I did a lot of visit to my doctors (of different specializations… mind you) and most the visits were just me wanting to find out what’s wrong with me or is there something that needs to be addressed.
And thank God, they were all addressed. But still addressing though. hehe.
And this break got me asking questions. Thinking everything that I should be doing already.
Lord, What’s my purpose?
Sometimes I would ask myself if is this a mid-life crisis? because to be honest, I feel so lost. I know I have my list of “to do after my resignation” but I don’t feel like I’m giving justice to my own productivity. I feel like I am so low (that sometimes it makes me sad) that I am currently jobless which means I’m not earning..anything…for now…hehe , not sure what I wanted to do anymore that even my hobby requires spending – and yes, I have nothing to spend.
And mind you, I graduated from an art course and just to be honest with you, I don’t feel like one, which is making me so sad right now. 😦
A lot of my batch mates have something in their name and hands now, and me, I felt like What have a really done after college?
I wanted to do art… for myself and I think that’s the thing that’s making me feel sad, because I’ve been used to make art for “business” (which is the job so you did right self and that’s okay) but my goal is to make art for myself, and I haven’t even made one that I can be proud of.
One time, my boyfriend took me to an art exhibit of his friends. I casually said yes because no one has ever asked me to come to an art exhibit *It’s really sweet of him* even though I don’t know anyone there and no one knows me, so it’s just fair. I mean I’m really going there for the art by the way.
So off we go, and violaa! sooo many people. Like i did not really expect the quantity of people going to exhibits like this (first time, sorry).
At first, I was really controlling everything. I tried to be cool about it but as time goes by, I feel like I shouldn’t be here, I feel like I don’t belong in here, In anyway. And I’m not so sure if I told him about this, but if not, well, I guess it’s because I’m trying to surpass this feeling without hassling him and making him feel burdened about it.
And yes, it’s tough, and it’s still tough – an art course graduate then after 4 years, still finding her way how to be a real artist or how to find her passion about the things she loved. And everyday, prays that she’ll be stronger and healthier – mind and body, and spiritually. And every day with hope and trying a smiling face, I ask..
Lord, what’s my purpose?
Celestial 