Take note, my man

I’m hurt by this one especially it makes me feel that he still somehow needs her. The fact that he followed her again even when we already both agreed that we’ll be unfollowing our exs as so we can no longer see them in our timelines.

Maybe it’s because of jealousy? But really, It’s not the real reason even though she has more womanly features than me but it is the trust that I completely gave him. I am completely at ease with everything – fully comfortable in any way possible. But that one thing – it hurts.

Fully trusted about the agreement – that it will not be bent in anyway – but it fucking did. It’s just simple. And being it simple still got bent and that’s what makes it more hurtful.

Simple things makes me smile but simple things makes me sad for a long time too.

I never thought I would become a girlfriend like this. I even told myself that I would never be like those kinds of girls who in just a little social media thing snaps, but when you’re in that moment, it sometimes makes it impossible not to be one.

And guys, there’s no “no reason”. There’s always is, even the smallest one. I don’t really care how small it is, but I want to know the truth behind it. Small but TRUE reason. Don’t be like my past who didn’t give me a true reason after all. Don’t, cause you said you won’t be that person.

This thing just makes me cry. It’s just really sad that it happened.

– From the girl who talks too much when she’s sad or mad. From the girl who tries her best not to be as transparent as a plastic bag for she always lose in the end.

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What do you live for?

Have you ever experience waking up and feeling down, like you’ve lost your hope on a certain thing?

I did. A lot of times, but the last one was probably months ago (and I can’t even remember how bad I felt back then) until it happened again yesterday.

I felt scared. I felt doubt. I felt backing up. The what ifs run into my mind like a flowing water on a river – steady but continuously flowing. It doesn’t stop.

Different situations, possible scenarios that I don’t want to happen creeped in – mind you, I just woke up.

Just got out of bed, put my slippers on and stood – then these worrying thoughts suddenly creeped in as if it was a continuation of my dream.

It feels like I was dreaming about it to make me feel this way. I mean, I can’t remember what my dream was yesterday but I thought maybe my unconscious mind is being conscious of my worries so when I woke up, I felt it. It was first on the line, the one who knocked on my door to say ‘Good morning’ but it just doesn’t feel good.

Preparing to work, I just thought ‘I can do this, certainly! I’ve been here and I can convince myself the opposite’ and thankfully, I did.

At the end of the day, I still found my hope. My hope that it will come true and it will be at its best possible state. That the universe will point me on where to look, what path to take and what to think.

Well, I always wish for the positive thoughts to come.

Always.

Yellow signal

Happily magnifying and

Maximizing what love is.

Everything is glowing,

Everything is sunshine.

And then we halt –

They made us pause.

The clouds covered the sun,

Winds howl in a teary breath.

Now we start a new but

With wonder i continue.

Will my heart still glow?

Like when we just started

From the purest of that beginning?

– A M

Fully awake, lying on the bed at 8 in the morning of a Sunday. I suddenly thought of our current situation and it made me want to write. I said to myself “my head is blank, but I will try to write”. Initially, I was listening to John Mayer’s XO and the phrase ‘your heart is glowing’ got me to realize that “yeah, my heart is glowing” thinking of how happy we are with what we are doing even on simplest of things.

And so I tried putting a very short summary into a short poem of what’s going on in my head for these past few days.

And I’m satisfied with what I wrote.

And also satisfied of what we still have, All is because He loves us and we thank Him that gratefully.

On film – Hong Kong and Macau – January 2018

This is a (super) late post about my travel in Hong Kong. A summary of the best shots I took during my 4-day stay with my friends. Oh, and we also went to Macau on the last day but didn’t had the chance to take a lot of pictures during those time because we are mostly lost in that place as the locals there have quite difficulty in speaking and understanding english.

And so here are my best shots from that short and first ever overseas travel of mine.

All shots are taken using Ricoh EFL (a hand-me-down camera from my father) + fuji c200 color film.

All photos are streets from Hong Kong mainly from Tsim Sha Tsui. We also went to visit Hong Kong Disneyland and got my best shot there with the little Snow White girl. And the last two photos are from Macau.

I’d actually like to go back to Macau to do street photography. I really admire the look of their streets, the locals, and the ambiance itself is so authentic that I really feel like I’m in a Chinese movie. And I love that kind of awe feeling so much.

I wish I could go back maybe next year? Who knows? 😊

Sensitivity level

I can admit, I’m a really sensitive woman.

I sometimes get hurt with other people’s words thrown at me that don’t match my mood for the moment.

I get offended with the way they think about me – hence they’re being honest about how they see through me.

I sometimes imagine some words from other people for other people get thrown for me as well – and then I sometimes get sad and hurt about it: what if they told that to me?

My sensitivity level is wow. But, in reality, I don’t really let people know what I feel about it. And I really don’t react that much – or maybe, if things gets out of control already, sometimes I blew up.

But that’s just my realization today.

It’s really hard to change sometimes.

18 OCTOBER 2017; 9:53 PM

*this is a raw entry from my medical journal. Some words are written in Tagalog language as I am writing from the point where I just have to write down everything, continuously. If you can’t understand some words and are wanting to know what it is, please just comment below the post. I am posting this because I somehow think that this is one important happening for this week that I haven’t taken any of my medicine for palpitation. Also, I am not sure if I have anxiety for I have not yet been to any doctor for consultation (though I did have a plan yo do so)but I suspect that I have it. And so, this entry is to note what happened tonight which I think is anxiety attacking on me again. 

Okay. So I’ll be reporting to you again after 6 hours. Medyo hinintay ko lang humupa yung nararamdaman ko. 
So yup. I was watching okja and then I’ve finished it already, while eating my tostillas, then I got up to take my medicine. Then I realized I was a bit of tired. And my heart’s beating loud. Not fast, but just loud. Or maybe faster than it should really be. But I still continue. 
Then I realized I am really tired. My eyes are sleepy. Im not palpitating but in my mind it was kind of hard to breathe? 

So narealize ko ulit na tuwing mafifeel kong pagod ako- yung tipong para akong magpapasa out, ayun, medyo malakas than the usual yung heartbeat ko. Not so fast, but faster than the usual. And also, vice versa – pag malakas yung heartbeat ko, after a while, mararamdaman ko nang pagod ako. Na para akong mag papass out. 
Then kanina lang, kakatapos ko lang mag tooth brush kasi binilisan ko. Medyo inaatake nanaman ako ng panic attack. 

Tipong para akong nalilito – nagooverlap yung mga thoughts ko na alam ko naman na utak ko lang din naman yung nagsimula. Thoughts like 

“O sige toothebrush lang”

“Itxt ko na kaya sila kung nag mrt ba sila”

“Para akong babagsak”

“Lumilindol ba? Baka yun yung nararamdaman ko kaya medyo hilo ako”

“Kaya ko ‘to”

“Naku, hindi talaga ako pwede magkaboyfriend nito, iiwanan lang ako nun kasi atras abante ako sa maraming bagay, he’ll never understand”

“Ooops you’re thinking too much again”

“Stop it”

“O tignan mo, diba tulad dati, bumababa yung feelings mo, hindi sya nagsstay jan sa level na yan”

“Humuhupa na”

“Pero sige tapusin mo na yang toothbrush mo”

“Pagod na yung mata ko”

“Stress yata talaga to”

“Okay lang yan, wag kabahan”

“Deuteronomy…” 

“Sige na tapusin mo yan dali”
Those were my actual thoughts while toothbrushing for maybe just two minutes. 
My mind is busy. I know. 

But I’m also trying my best to keep it quiet, but it’s not that easy.  

If that’s an easy task, wala nang may anxiety at depression sa mundong to. 
And so a few minutes later, they came already. Nabawasan ang isipin. But my eyes are still tired. At ito antok na to alam ko. But that I have to endure for the sake of documenting what I experienced tonight. My med journal is a must. 
So ayun, i think they’re right, It’s all in the mind, it’s all in the head. But sometimes, it’s really too hard to control it. Brain is an organ too and they can experience some difficulties too. 
You’re not loosing it, but there’s something that is not the way it should be. There’s something that triggers it. I don’t but for me I think stress and environment. 
Hay, pero alam ko, I will survive this. Kaya ko to. I’ll get back to my d energetic self. For my family, for myself, for the future! Kaya! Laban!