I. Hate. Drunk. Calls.

Is that what men always do?

So unappealing.

I’m turned off!

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What do you live for?

Have you ever experience waking up and feeling down, like you’ve lost your hope on a certain thing?

I did. A lot of times, but the last one was probably months ago (and I can’t even remember how bad I felt back then) until it happened again yesterday.

I felt scared. I felt doubt. I felt backing up. The what ifs run into my mind like a flowing water on a river – steady but continuously flowing. It doesn’t stop.

Different situations, possible scenarios that I don’t want to happen creeped in – mind you, I just woke up.

Just got out of bed, put my slippers on and stood – then these worrying thoughts suddenly creeped in as if it was a continuation of my dream.

It feels like I was dreaming about it to make me feel this way. I mean, I can’t remember what my dream was yesterday but I thought maybe my unconscious mind is being conscious of my worries so when I woke up, I felt it. It was first on the line, the one who knocked on my door to say ‘Good morning’ but it just doesn’t feel good.

Preparing to work, I just thought ‘I can do this, certainly! I’ve been here and I can convince myself the opposite’ and thankfully, I did.

At the end of the day, I still found my hope. My hope that it will come true and it will be at its best possible state. That the universe will point me on where to look, what path to take and what to think.

Well, I always wish for the positive thoughts to come.

Always.

Yellow signal

Happily magnifying and

Maximizing what love is.

Everything is glowing,

Everything is sunshine.

And then we halt –

They made us pause.

The clouds covered the sun,

Winds howl in a teary breath.

Now we start a new but

With wonder i continue.

Will my heart still glow?

Like when we just started

From the purest of that beginning?

– A M

Fully awake, lying on the bed at 8 in the morning of a Sunday. I suddenly thought of our current situation and it made me want to write. I said to myself “my head is blank, but I will try to write”. Initially, I was listening to John Mayer’s XO and the phrase ‘your heart is glowing’ got me to realize that “yeah, my heart is glowing” thinking of how happy we are with what we are doing even on simplest of things.

And so I tried putting a very short summary into a short poem of what’s going on in my head for these past few days.

And I’m satisfied with what I wrote.

And also satisfied of what we still have, All is because He loves us and we thank Him that gratefully.

On film – Hong Kong and Macau – January 2018

This is a (super) late post about my travel in Hong Kong. A summary of the best shots I took during my 4-day stay with my friends. Oh, and we also went to Macau on the last day but didn’t had the chance to take a lot of pictures during those time because we are mostly lost in that place as the locals there have quite difficulty in speaking and understanding english.

And so here are my best shots from that short and first ever overseas travel of mine.

All shots are taken using Ricoh EFL (a hand-me-down camera from my father) + fuji c200 color film.

All photos are streets from Hong Kong mainly from Tsim Sha Tsui. We also went to visit Hong Kong Disneyland and got my best shot there with the little Snow White girl. And the last two photos are from Macau.

I’d actually like to go back to Macau to do street photography. I really admire the look of their streets, the locals, and the ambiance itself is so authentic that I really feel like I’m in a Chinese movie. And I love that kind of awe feeling so much.

I wish I could go back maybe next year? Who knows? 😊

Sensitivity level

I can admit, I’m a really sensitive woman.

I sometimes get hurt with other people’s words thrown at me that don’t match my mood for the moment.

I get offended with the way they think about me – hence they’re being honest about how they see through me.

I sometimes imagine some words from other people for other people get thrown for me as well – and then I sometimes get sad and hurt about it: what if they told that to me?

My sensitivity level is wow. But, in reality, I don’t really let people know what I feel about it. And I really don’t react that much – or maybe, if things gets out of control already, sometimes I blew up.

But that’s just my realization today.

It’s really hard to change sometimes.

18 OCTOBER 2017; 9:53 PM

*this is a raw entry from my medical journal. Some words are written in Tagalog language as I am writing from the point where I just have to write down everything, continuously. If you can’t understand some words and are wanting to know what it is, please just comment below the post. I am posting this because I somehow think that this is one important happening for this week that I haven’t taken any of my medicine for palpitation. Also, I am not sure if I have anxiety for I have not yet been to any doctor for consultation (though I did have a plan yo do so)but I suspect that I have it. And so, this entry is to note what happened tonight which I think is anxiety attacking on me again. 

Okay. So I’ll be reporting to you again after 6 hours. Medyo hinintay ko lang humupa yung nararamdaman ko. 
So yup. I was watching okja and then I’ve finished it already, while eating my tostillas, then I got up to take my medicine. Then I realized I was a bit of tired. And my heart’s beating loud. Not fast, but just loud. Or maybe faster than it should really be. But I still continue. 
Then I realized I am really tired. My eyes are sleepy. Im not palpitating but in my mind it was kind of hard to breathe? 

So narealize ko ulit na tuwing mafifeel kong pagod ako- yung tipong para akong magpapasa out, ayun, medyo malakas than the usual yung heartbeat ko. Not so fast, but faster than the usual. And also, vice versa – pag malakas yung heartbeat ko, after a while, mararamdaman ko nang pagod ako. Na para akong mag papass out. 
Then kanina lang, kakatapos ko lang mag tooth brush kasi binilisan ko. Medyo inaatake nanaman ako ng panic attack. 

Tipong para akong nalilito – nagooverlap yung mga thoughts ko na alam ko naman na utak ko lang din naman yung nagsimula. Thoughts like 

“O sige toothebrush lang”

“Itxt ko na kaya sila kung nag mrt ba sila”

“Para akong babagsak”

“Lumilindol ba? Baka yun yung nararamdaman ko kaya medyo hilo ako”

“Kaya ko ‘to”

“Naku, hindi talaga ako pwede magkaboyfriend nito, iiwanan lang ako nun kasi atras abante ako sa maraming bagay, he’ll never understand”

“Ooops you’re thinking too much again”

“Stop it”

“O tignan mo, diba tulad dati, bumababa yung feelings mo, hindi sya nagsstay jan sa level na yan”

“Humuhupa na”

“Pero sige tapusin mo na yang toothbrush mo”

“Pagod na yung mata ko”

“Stress yata talaga to”

“Okay lang yan, wag kabahan”

“Deuteronomy…” 

“Sige na tapusin mo yan dali”
Those were my actual thoughts while toothbrushing for maybe just two minutes. 
My mind is busy. I know. 

But I’m also trying my best to keep it quiet, but it’s not that easy.  

If that’s an easy task, wala nang may anxiety at depression sa mundong to. 
And so a few minutes later, they came already. Nabawasan ang isipin. But my eyes are still tired. At ito antok na to alam ko. But that I have to endure for the sake of documenting what I experienced tonight. My med journal is a must. 
So ayun, i think they’re right, It’s all in the mind, it’s all in the head. But sometimes, it’s really too hard to control it. Brain is an organ too and they can experience some difficulties too. 
You’re not loosing it, but there’s something that is not the way it should be. There’s something that triggers it. I don’t but for me I think stress and environment. 
Hay, pero alam ko, I will survive this. Kaya ko to. I’ll get back to my d energetic self. For my family, for myself, for the future! Kaya! Laban! 

Where would I go?

self esteem

I guess it’s self explanatory already – from the title to the photo above, handwritten by yourstruly.

5:58 PM. Weather’s fine but not sunny for the whole day, which is actually fine for me. I love soon-to-rain or maybe-it-will-rain weather. It may be sad for others, but not for me. It’s not a yellow happy mood, but I feel comfort within that grayish look, calm cold winds blowing, raindrops falling a bit – it feels like staying at home, and home is comfort.

polaroid_rain and cloud.jpg

It, again, feels like I’m stuck here – just here. And I don’t know if I will ever move to a more meaningful happening in my life. I know it’s just now. Maybe I’ve just seen something, remembered a moment, thought of how successful others are now and maybe, all these maybes can all be part of everyone’s lives.

The doubts. And the fear.

doubts and fear

You know, sometimes not having a social media account is much better. We get insecure sometimes. We think we lost already – we think they won already. We may control what we can see there, but not always. We can avoid, but not always.

And from there, we tend to compare. We tend to think to much. And get ourselves feel low and ask too many questions to ourselves, until we feel that we, in all honesty, don’t have concrete answers to it…

Is this the right path? / Should I change my hobby? / Should I change my job? / Is it better to live there than here? / Should I start to go on a diet or go to the gym too? / Should i drop this out and enroll to another course? / Should I get married now?

And the fear of missing out, wasting time, falling apart eats up our minds and that’s where we think and we lose sometimes – by just thinking. Because we thought, that “that’s it! I’m done, I can’t be the person I want to be.” But we have to realize and try to wake ourselves up that there are words that may continue it:

…yet, …but.

The Clarity.

I might not see it now, I might get over this phase every now and then but I know there will come a time for me that I’ll know that “this is it, I am in the right path, I am supposed to be here”.

I sometimes wish I would know when will that happen but life is full of good surprises, maybe I just have to have Faith in Him and wait for His signal and guidance, because I know with Him, everything is possible and He will always guide me to where I should go.