Sensitivity level

I can admit, I’m a really sensitive woman.

I sometimes get hurt with other people’s words thrown at me that don’t match my mood for the moment.

I get offended with the way they think about me – hence they’re being honest about how they see through me.

I sometimes imagine some words from other people for other people get thrown for me as well – and then I sometimes get sad and hurt about it: what if they told that to me?

My sensitivity level is wow. But, in reality, I don’t really let people know what I feel about it. And I really don’t react that much – or maybe, if things gets out of control already, sometimes I blew up.

But that’s just my realization today.

It’s really hard to change sometimes.

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18 OCTOBER 2017; 9:53 PM

*this is a raw entry from my medical journal. Some words are written in Tagalog language as I am writing from the point where I just have to write down everything, continuously. If you can’t understand some words and are wanting to know what it is, please just comment below the post. I am posting this because I somehow think that this is one important happening for this week that I haven’t taken any of my medicine for palpitation. Also, I am not sure if I have anxiety for I have not yet been to any doctor for consultation (though I did have a plan yo do so)but I suspect that I have it. And so, this entry is to note what happened tonight which I think is anxiety attacking on me again. 

Okay. So I’ll be reporting to you again after 6 hours. Medyo hinintay ko lang humupa yung nararamdaman ko. 
So yup. I was watching okja and then I’ve finished it already, while eating my tostillas, then I got up to take my medicine. Then I realized I was a bit of tired. And my heart’s beating loud. Not fast, but just loud. Or maybe faster than it should really be. But I still continue. 
Then I realized I am really tired. My eyes are sleepy. Im not palpitating but in my mind it was kind of hard to breathe? 

So narealize ko ulit na tuwing mafifeel kong pagod ako- yung tipong para akong magpapasa out, ayun, medyo malakas than the usual yung heartbeat ko. Not so fast, but faster than the usual. And also, vice versa – pag malakas yung heartbeat ko, after a while, mararamdaman ko nang pagod ako. Na para akong mag papass out. 
Then kanina lang, kakatapos ko lang mag tooth brush kasi binilisan ko. Medyo inaatake nanaman ako ng panic attack. 

Tipong para akong nalilito – nagooverlap yung mga thoughts ko na alam ko naman na utak ko lang din naman yung nagsimula. Thoughts like 

“O sige toothebrush lang”

“Itxt ko na kaya sila kung nag mrt ba sila”

“Para akong babagsak”

“Lumilindol ba? Baka yun yung nararamdaman ko kaya medyo hilo ako”

“Kaya ko ‘to”

“Naku, hindi talaga ako pwede magkaboyfriend nito, iiwanan lang ako nun kasi atras abante ako sa maraming bagay, he’ll never understand”

“Ooops you’re thinking too much again”

“Stop it”

“O tignan mo, diba tulad dati, bumababa yung feelings mo, hindi sya nagsstay jan sa level na yan”

“Humuhupa na”

“Pero sige tapusin mo na yang toothbrush mo”

“Pagod na yung mata ko”

“Stress yata talaga to”

“Okay lang yan, wag kabahan”

“Deuteronomy…” 

“Sige na tapusin mo yan dali”
Those were my actual thoughts while toothbrushing for maybe just two minutes. 
My mind is busy. I know. 

But I’m also trying my best to keep it quiet, but it’s not that easy.  

If that’s an easy task, wala nang may anxiety at depression sa mundong to. 
And so a few minutes later, they came already. Nabawasan ang isipin. But my eyes are still tired. At ito antok na to alam ko. But that I have to endure for the sake of documenting what I experienced tonight. My med journal is a must. 
So ayun, i think they’re right, It’s all in the mind, it’s all in the head. But sometimes, it’s really too hard to control it. Brain is an organ too and they can experience some difficulties too. 
You’re not loosing it, but there’s something that is not the way it should be. There’s something that triggers it. I don’t but for me I think stress and environment. 
Hay, pero alam ko, I will survive this. Kaya ko to. I’ll get back to my d energetic self. For my family, for myself, for the future! Kaya! Laban! 

Where would I go?

self esteem

I guess it’s self explanatory already – from the title to the photo above, handwritten by yourstruly.

5:58 PM. Weather’s fine but not sunny for the whole day, which is actually fine for me. I love soon-to-rain or maybe-it-will-rain weather. It may be sad for others, but not for me. It’s not a yellow happy mood, but I feel comfort within that grayish look, calm cold winds blowing, raindrops falling a bit – it feels like staying at home, and home is comfort.

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It, again, feels like I’m stuck here – just here. And I don’t know if I will ever move to a more meaningful happening in my life. I know it’s just now. Maybe I’ve just seen something, remembered a moment, thought of how successful others are now and maybe, all these maybes can all be part of everyone’s lives.

The doubts. And the fear.

doubts and fear

You know, sometimes not having a social media account is much better. We get insecure sometimes. We think we lost already – we think they won already. We may control what we can see there, but not always. We can avoid, but not always.

And from there, we tend to compare. We tend to think to much. And get ourselves feel low and ask too many questions to ourselves, until we feel that we, in all honesty, don’t have concrete answers to it…

Is this the right path? / Should I change my hobby? / Should I change my job? / Is it better to live there than here? / Should I start to go on a diet or go to the gym too? / Should i drop this out and enroll to another course? / Should I get married now?

And the fear of missing out, wasting time, falling apart eats up our minds and that’s where we think and we lose sometimes – by just thinking. Because we thought, that “that’s it! I’m done, I can’t be the person I want to be.” But we have to realize and try to wake ourselves up that there are words that may continue it:

…yet, …but.

The Clarity.

I might not see it now, I might get over this phase every now and then but I know there will come a time for me that I’ll know that “this is it, I am in the right path, I am supposed to be here”.

I sometimes wish I would know when will that happen but life is full of good surprises, maybe I just have to have Faith in Him and wait for His signal and guidance, because I know with Him, everything is possible and He will always guide me to where I should go.

 

Monday for me

I just wanted to play my Ukulele tonight. I wanted to sit at the edge of the bed, just hold my pillow and do nothing. I kind of feel nothing to do tonight. I know I should pack my things already, because tomorrow’s the start of work week and I need to be away from home again for five days. I want to talk to Moon but he’s not yet available today – maybe he’s not even thinking about me tonight. I do feel a bit guilty about what I choose not to do tomorrow, but really, I somehow think I need this. I need guidance, I really feel like a loser who can’t think of a new creative ideas for my current project at work. I feel useless and tired. And I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. 

One Day

I don’t know if it’s reasonable or if there’s a ‘research study shows’ that one day of not going to work will help you be more productive for the whole week instead, so it is recommended to not to got to work for at least one day in a work week. 

Well, I hope there is really a research about that, proving that it is true, but I didn’t even try to research that one – because well, we all know that that might not be true. 

But, is it that too selfish for me to do this? Am I being to comfortable about this? Am I so irresponsible for this kind of thinking? Am I not a good employee anymore? Am I that of a slow worker? Can I not manage my time anymore? Is being tired just running in my head or can I really feel it already even if they don’t see it? 

I might be escaping – well, yeah maybe I am because I don’t know what else to do. I have plans already but I can’t seem to put them into action. I need my work as of the moment, and I need to endure it – everything that it throws at me. They need me, I need them too. 

Different Views

I don’t know what can they see in me. Actually I am a bit of curious about it. 

What can they see whenever I pass by them through the hallways or in the pantry? Do I look neutral straight faced person or a grumpy one? When answering the phone, do I sound neutral, happy or irritated? When I answer my emails, can they something between those words I type and the emotionless ‘thank you!’? When they see me looking through my computer, do I seem to look like just lurking theough social media or conceptualizing hard for their promos’ theme? What can they see in me? Or what do they allow themselves to see in me? 

Or what am I even portraying?

Too bad, maybe I know the answer. What I think and feel sometimes reflects to my aura. And these past few months – I could say that it’s bad. But it’s not my intention really. No person wants to feel bad most of the days right? I’m just letting myself to be free to feel what I am feeling and wanted to feel. No to hiding of emotions. No to sugar-coating feelings. Just let it be. You’re just being honest with the world. If you’re having a great day, then let it be. If you’re mood isn’t that good, then so be it. Honesty and sincerity to one’s self is gold. And not everyone has a chance to do that – to reflect from time to time, and if you have the chance, grab it. 

I think we all need it sometimes. I think I need it now…again. 
Inspiration and result

For now, I decided not to go to work tomorrow. I think it’s final. 

I haven’t packed any clothes yet, I don’t have my alloted allowance for the whole week (just like what I used to do every weekends before work week – budgeting) and I am not even sleeping yet, which at this time, I surely been sound asleep already. Also, i had a very very slight headache coming in and off that started yesterday. I think it is still connected to my ear problem and I’m afraid that it might be on it again for tomorrow and it sucks ti have it during working hours because when I experienced it today and yesterday, I can’t even focus on what I’m doing and instead choose to lay on bed even though I am not sleepy, hence, unproductive. So yup, I think it’s final that I will be an iresponsible employee again tomorrow. 

But I don’t know. I really think I need this again(because I’ve done this a couple of times this year). And even just for one day, I hope to gain inspiration even for just a gallon of it.

I wanted to play my ukulele even though I can only play in slow motion and I am only repeating three songs. I feel happy. Normal happy. 

I wanted to hold my film cameras even though I have nothing to shoot here at our house (my father’s point and shoot camera’s flash isn’t working anymore so outdoors only and the other one doesn’t a have a film in it yet). I think I will feel neutral. At least not stressed. 

I wanted to write poems again, to write words, anything that I would like to express. I want to express how happy or sad or irritable or okay I am. I kust wanted to write withouht anyone intruding that personal space of mine. 

I wanted to research on schools abroad. I wanted to feel if it is really for me, to study masterals abroad or even creative writing. I wanted to daydream about it. I wanted to daydream of finding a new job abroad – even as an apple picker and after that I get to paint in the evening after the day job I have and play with my cat. I wanted to think about that. It makes me feel calmer thinking about it. 

Maybe all I need is time. Some time for me? For myself? 

Let me breathe please. Give me this one day. I can’t promise that this will be the permanent solution for this stressful year but please give me this one day for myself- to breathe, to not talk to you. I can’t even stand talking to you sometimes and I don’t want it to stay that way forever, so give me this day, please. 

I’m not sure what the result would be but I thank you if you could understand me. 

Give me this Monday for myself. 

So, how are you?

It wasn’t really that long yet since I visited your profile once again.

– Opps! Haven’t mentioned I deactivated my account (again) for three days and deleted the app on my phone after a month. There’s no specific reason why I did deactivated again – I just like to do it. I think I have acquired that habit for quite sometime now and I am actually happy deactivating sometimes, it allows you to breathe and not get drowned by the TMI world of social media.

So yeah, how are you?

I visited your profile just because I wanted to know what’s new to you these past few months. How have you been lately? And based on your profile, you are perfectly fine I guess. You are conquering your dreams as a photographer and to be honest, my feelings are still neutral about that. STILL. And I mean, to everything that’s happening around you. No butterflies, no anger, just neutral Okay. And I think it was just fine that way.

Not until I found out something new about you – a very personal one that maybe, you aren’t ready yet to share to your whole bunch of friends on sns, and I understand that.

And to be honest, both of my hands were shaking by that time, and there were a few honest thoughts that ran through my head – ‘Reaaallly?!’, ‘Thank God it wasn’t me.’, ‘Yup! I know God has other plans for me, that’s why this happened’. 

I couldn’t contain my shock so I had to let it out to some of my very closest friends and I sort of felt bad saying it to them but I thought, there’s nothing wrong with it, I guess because it’s not even a gossip – it was a fact. The odd thing is just that the news came to my friends through me, which means I visited/stalked again, but I’m not denying and I am sincere that I am just curious how he’s doing today.  And from there, it started to feel a bit odd…again.

But not butterflies.

 

The Feeling

Few days after visiting and shaky hands, I got over it already. Not that I couldn’t accept it, but I was just really shocked that it happened this early. Then one of my newest and today’s closest friend shared some piece of advice (or his thoughts) to me that made me think about it because it’s poppin’ in my head randomly.

But before that, let me call him….Moon for now. Moon because our common denominator is our fascination and love for the beauty of Luna.

So Moon and I were casually chatting and we usually talk about random stuff and serious things and I somehow opened up a topic about ‘Passion’. 

 

The Passion

Lately, I’ve been feeling lost again but this time I know why. I was really stressed with work. I mean it feels like it just gotten worse to the extent that even in the morning when I see some specific person email-ing me, I just feel so irritated and unhappy. And I know it wasn’t a good feeling to a Workday morning.

So we were talking about passion and I told him that as of these past few months, it feels like I’ve been lost again and now unsure if Photography is still really for me. I haven’t been traveling, i haven’t developed my two rolls of film and the films are still in the camera and I haven’t touched my camera…at all! How bad it is right?!

So yup, I was sort of blabbering the reasons why to Moon and then it slipped on me that another reason is that ‘it is a small world for us, and I don’t think I want to see him just yet’. 

I know it was a very unreasonable reason to give up the passion and drive that I have just to avoid him, but what can I do? He’s more active to photography now than I am, maybe I should quit already. Maybe I should give up what I wanted to be since I was 14 years old. Who knows? Maybe I’m not really for photography right? Maybe I should just go. Maybe he’s better than I am. Maybe I’ve got nothing to contribute into that field. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

So Moon spoke up, as he is a very positive and mood lifting kind of a person which I really admire about him, said: You’re thinking too much. What if when you both meet there at the exhibit, he’ll be happy for you because you’re pursuing you passion? If it were me, I’ll be happy for her. Don’t think too much. Don’t think what reaction he will have on you. Just be happy for him. And just think about yourself, about what you want to do. Focus on yourself. 

For me, passion shouldn’t adjust just because photography is a small world for you and him. If photography is your passion, don’t ever lose it. Don’t let it slip away on you. 

And so some of his lines were recorded in my head and I keep thinking about it:

You’re thinking too much. 

Passion shouldn’t adjust just because photography is a small world for you and him. 

Don’t think what reaction he will have on you, just be happy for him. 

All of his statements are true, but the third one got really stuck in my head. Maybe I should really be happy for him. Happy that he got what he wanted now. That he got what I also wished for him to have – his baby success to photography that I know will continue to grow until he is already famous.
Passion and Feelings

I’m glad Moon told me those. You know I already know those statements but it never really got stuck in my head. Or maybe I just really need someone to remind me again and I adore him for doing that even though it is a shame for me to tell a story about my past. Cool guy he is, really.
So yes. I’ve decided to change my perspective, little by little. Maybe that is just all I need. Be happy for him. So I can make peace with my passion again, and love it as one whole piece again.

So, how are you, Self?

Cat Cafe is Love

Last week’s Monday (June 12), we celebrated the Philippine Independence Day 🇵🇭 and of course it was declared as a holiday for us worker which means we can get to go wherever and do whatever we wanted or needed to for one day.

And since I’ve been really feeling drained for a couple of months now, I wanted to shake the stress off of me and ever since last year, I’ve been longing for a warm and furry feel of a ball – A Cat. Mmeeoww

So I’ve decided to go to a cat cafe no matter what and since we are allowed to have a rest day in one day (while celebrating the country’s independence) I choose to be free from stress as well.

Flashback just this February this year, I already went to one cat cafe here in Manila. It’s the Bengal Brew located at cubao. This is a cat cafe where you can bond with the cats. Beside the Bengal Brew is another cafe but in this cafe, you are to bond with dogs instead.

Here are some of the photos I had when I visited this cat cafe:

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But most of the cats are sleeping during that time so we get to bond mostly with dogs – but I’m not really a dog person so I tried my best to hold them like the one I did below.

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So since I wanted to experience cats even more (since I am more of a cat person instead of a dog person), I found a place where they offer to bond with cats alone…. and they are so awake!

So without another boring introduction, here are some photos from Miao Cat Cafe located in Quezon City.

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The very first cat to come at our table (even though we hadn’t have food yet and we didn’t even called him). He just came to us on his own! He’s so adorable!!!

And here are some of the other cats in the cafe.

Some photos with us.

We spend maybe 2-hours of that day just staying in that cozy-lovely place to bond with the cats. I was smiling the whole time even by just looking at them. They’re so lovely and adorableble, they come to people on their own.

One kitten actually slept on my lap and the warm feeling from his body is just comforting.


All in all, it was really a fun ecperience – I really loved it and I want to come back, seriously!

I will come back soon! Wait for my adorable cats 😘

What happened today

So today is the third week of June and it means that it’s Father’s Day!

We didn’t go out to celebrate, instead, we just stayed at home and do the things we normally do on Sundays. But of course, we cooked more than we used to so as to celebrate this day. 🙂

On other news, ever since yesterday I was cleaning my art supplies – I think I’ve mentioned it on my yesterday’s post. So anyway, i was cleaning them one by one and to my surprise I found this:


Tada! My love for film sparked just even more! 

Found my negatives and printed ones during my college days. I don’t have really an intention of finding them but now that they’re here, I thought this would be the right time to organize them – and I did. And I feel satisfied by doing it. 

Then after a few hours, I started watching 2D1N – It’s a Korean reality-variety show that I really love watching. I always have a good laugh whenever I watched that and it somehow relaxes me when I’m stressed. I really think it does help me sometimes in coping up with my panic attacks. Then I also watched The Best Hit (Kdrama) and if you’re watching 2D1N, you might really like this Kdrama as well – not that it’s a reality-variety show but the actors and director are the same with 2D1N and I find it comforting and it fascinates me to show their real talents in acting and in their profession in comparison with their casual real self in the reality-variety show. Both shows are a thumbs-up! 

Then while watching, I came across this line in the series:


I intentionally tweeted it because I wanted to remember it. I think I felt that I can somehow relate to it and that I can somehow apply it to my thinking whenever I would feel that I’m about to get panic attacks again. Maybe it’s a shift of thinking that we need sometimes. And I haven’t thought about this line until today – it’s such a unique way of thinking, of twisting thinking around.