18 OCTOBER 2017; 9:53 PM

*this is a raw entry from my medical journal. Some words are written in Tagalog language as I am writing from the point where I just have to write down everything, continuously. If you can’t understand some words and are wanting to know what it is, please just comment below the post. I am posting this because I somehow think that this is one important happening for this week that I haven’t taken any of my medicine for palpitation. Also, I am not sure if I have anxiety for I have not yet been to any doctor for consultation (though I did have a plan yo do so)but I suspect that I have it. And so, this entry is to note what happened tonight which I think is anxiety attacking on me again. 

Okay. So I’ll be reporting to you again after 6 hours. Medyo hinintay ko lang humupa yung nararamdaman ko. 
So yup. I was watching okja and then I’ve finished it already, while eating my tostillas, then I got up to take my medicine. Then I realized I was a bit of tired. And my heart’s beating loud. Not fast, but just loud. Or maybe faster than it should really be. But I still continue. 
Then I realized I am really tired. My eyes are sleepy. Im not palpitating but in my mind it was kind of hard to breathe? 

So narealize ko ulit na tuwing mafifeel kong pagod ako- yung tipong para akong magpapasa out, ayun, medyo malakas than the usual yung heartbeat ko. Not so fast, but faster than the usual. And also, vice versa – pag malakas yung heartbeat ko, after a while, mararamdaman ko nang pagod ako. Na para akong mag papass out. 
Then kanina lang, kakatapos ko lang mag tooth brush kasi binilisan ko. Medyo inaatake nanaman ako ng panic attack. 

Tipong para akong nalilito – nagooverlap yung mga thoughts ko na alam ko naman na utak ko lang din naman yung nagsimula. Thoughts like 

“O sige toothebrush lang”

“Itxt ko na kaya sila kung nag mrt ba sila”

“Para akong babagsak”

“Lumilindol ba? Baka yun yung nararamdaman ko kaya medyo hilo ako”

“Kaya ko ‘to”

“Naku, hindi talaga ako pwede magkaboyfriend nito, iiwanan lang ako nun kasi atras abante ako sa maraming bagay, he’ll never understand”

“Ooops you’re thinking too much again”

“Stop it”

“O tignan mo, diba tulad dati, bumababa yung feelings mo, hindi sya nagsstay jan sa level na yan”

“Humuhupa na”

“Pero sige tapusin mo na yang toothbrush mo”

“Pagod na yung mata ko”

“Stress yata talaga to”

“Okay lang yan, wag kabahan”

“Deuteronomy…” 

“Sige na tapusin mo yan dali”
Those were my actual thoughts while toothbrushing for maybe just two minutes. 
My mind is busy. I know. 

But I’m also trying my best to keep it quiet, but it’s not that easy.  

If that’s an easy task, wala nang may anxiety at depression sa mundong to. 
And so a few minutes later, they came already. Nabawasan ang isipin. But my eyes are still tired. At ito antok na to alam ko. But that I have to endure for the sake of documenting what I experienced tonight. My med journal is a must. 
So ayun, i think they’re right, It’s all in the mind, it’s all in the head. But sometimes, it’s really too hard to control it. Brain is an organ too and they can experience some difficulties too. 
You’re not loosing it, but there’s something that is not the way it should be. There’s something that triggers it. I don’t but for me I think stress and environment. 
Hay, pero alam ko, I will survive this. Kaya ko to. I’ll get back to my d energetic self. For my family, for myself, for the future! Kaya! Laban! 

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celestialamvdg

Ragazza. Ho Ventiquatro anni. Photographs, music, written words. Philippians 4:6-7

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