I just wanted to play my Ukulele tonight. I wanted to sit at the edge of the bed, just hold my pillow and do nothing. I kind of feel nothing to do tonight. I know I should pack my things already, because tomorrow’s the start of work week and I need to be away from home again for five days. I want to talk to Moon but he’s not yet available today – maybe he’s not even thinking about me tonight. I do feel a bit guilty about what I choose not to do tomorrow, but really, I somehow think I need this. I need guidance, I really feel like a loser who can’t think of a new creative ideas for my current project at work. I feel useless and tired. And I don’t want to go to work tomorrow.
I don’t know if it’s reasonable or if there’s a ‘research study shows’ that one day of not going to work will help you be more productive for the whole week instead, so it is recommended to not to got to work for at least one day in a work week.
Well, I hope there is really a research about that, proving that it is true, but I didn’t even try to research that one – because well, we all know that that might not be true.
But, is it that too selfish for me to do this? Am I being to comfortable about this? Am I so irresponsible for this kind of thinking? Am I not a good employee anymore? Am I that of a slow worker? Can I not manage my time anymore? Is being tired just running in my head or can I really feel it already even if they don’t see it?
I might be escaping – well, yeah maybe I am because I don’t know what else to do. I have plans already but I can’t seem to put them into action. I need my work as of the moment, and I need to endure it – everything that it throws at me. They need me, I need them too.
I don’t know what can they see in me. Actually I am a bit of curious about it.
What can they see whenever I pass by them through the hallways or in the pantry? Do I look neutral straight faced person or a grumpy one? When answering the phone, do I sound neutral, happy or irritated? When I answer my emails, can they something between those words I type and the emotionless ‘thank you!’? When they see me looking through my computer, do I seem to look like just lurking theough social media or conceptualizing hard for their promos’ theme? What can they see in me? Or what do they allow themselves to see in me?
Or what am I even portraying?
Too bad, maybe I know the answer. What I think and feel sometimes reflects to my aura. And these past few months – I could say that it’s bad. But it’s not my intention really. No person wants to feel bad most of the days right? I’m just letting myself to be free to feel what I am feeling and wanted to feel. No to hiding of emotions. No to sugar-coating feelings. Just let it be. You’re just being honest with the world. If you’re having a great day, then let it be. If you’re mood isn’t that good, then so be it. Honesty and sincerity to one’s self is gold. And not everyone has a chance to do that – to reflect from time to time, and if you have the chance, grab it.
I think we all need it sometimes. I think I need it now…again.
Inspiration and result
For now, I decided not to go to work tomorrow. I think it’s final.
I haven’t packed any clothes yet, I don’t have my alloted allowance for the whole week (just like what I used to do every weekends before work week – budgeting) and I am not even sleeping yet, which at this time, I surely been sound asleep already. Also, i had a very very slight headache coming in and off that started yesterday. I think it is still connected to my ear problem and I’m afraid that it might be on it again for tomorrow and it sucks ti have it during working hours because when I experienced it today and yesterday, I can’t even focus on what I’m doing and instead choose to lay on bed even though I am not sleepy, hence, unproductive. So yup, I think it’s final that I will be an iresponsible employee again tomorrow.
But I don’t know. I really think I need this again(because I’ve done this a couple of times this year). And even just for one day, I hope to gain inspiration even for just a gallon of it.
I wanted to play my ukulele even though I can only play in slow motion and I am only repeating three songs. I feel happy. Normal happy.
I wanted to hold my film cameras even though I have nothing to shoot here at our house (my father’s point and shoot camera’s flash isn’t working anymore so outdoors only and the other one doesn’t a have a film in it yet). I think I will feel neutral. At least not stressed.
I wanted to write poems again, to write words, anything that I would like to express. I want to express how happy or sad or irritable or okay I am. I kust wanted to write withouht anyone intruding that personal space of mine.
I wanted to research on schools abroad. I wanted to feel if it is really for me, to study masterals abroad or even creative writing. I wanted to daydream about it. I wanted to daydream of finding a new job abroad – even as an apple picker and after that I get to paint in the evening after the day job I have and play with my cat. I wanted to think about that. It makes me feel calmer thinking about it.
Maybe all I need is time. Some time for me? For myself?
Let me breathe please. Give me this one day. I can’t promise that this will be the permanent solution for this stressful year but please give me this one day for myself- to breathe, to not talk to you. I can’t even stand talking to you sometimes and I don’t want it to stay that way forever, so give me this day, please.
I’m not sure what the result would be but I thank you if you could understand me.
Give me this Monday for myself.