It wasn’t really that long yet since I visited your profile once again.
– Opps! Haven’t mentioned I deactivated my account (again) for three days and deleted the app on my phone after a month. There’s no specific reason why I did deactivated again – I just like to do it. I think I have acquired that habit for quite sometime now and I am actually happy deactivating sometimes, it allows you to breathe and not get drowned by the TMI world of social media.
So yeah, how are you?
I visited your profile just because I wanted to know what’s new to you these past few months. How have you been lately? And based on your profile, you are perfectly fine I guess. You are conquering your dreams as a photographer and to be honest, my feelings are still neutral about that. STILL. And I mean, to everything that’s happening around you. No butterflies, no anger, just neutral Okay. And I think it was just fine that way.
Not until I found out something new about you – a very personal one that maybe, you aren’t ready yet to share to your whole bunch of friends on sns, and I understand that.
And to be honest, both of my hands were shaking by that time, and there were a few honest thoughts that ran through my head – ‘Reaaallly?!’, ‘Thank God it wasn’t me.’, ‘Yup! I know God has other plans for me, that’s why this happened’.
I couldn’t contain my shock so I had to let it out to some of my very closest friends and I sort of felt bad saying it to them but I thought, there’s nothing wrong with it, I guess because it’s not even a gossip – it was a fact. The odd thing is just that the news came to my friends through me, which means I visited/stalked again, but I’m not denying and I am sincere that I am just curious how he’s doing today. And from there, it started to feel a bit odd…again.
But not butterflies.
Few days after visiting and shaky hands, I got over it already. Not that I couldn’t accept it, but I was just really shocked that it happened this early. Then one of my newest and today’s closest friend shared some piece of advice (or his thoughts) to me that made me think about it because it’s poppin’ in my head randomly.
But before that, let me call him….Moon for now. Moon because our common denominator is our fascination and love for the beauty of Luna.
So Moon and I were casually chatting and we usually talk about random stuff and serious things and I somehow opened up a topic about ‘Passion’.
Lately, I’ve been feeling lost again but this time I know why. I was really stressed with work. I mean it feels like it just gotten worse to the extent that even in the morning when I see some specific person email-ing me, I just feel so irritated and unhappy. And I know it wasn’t a good feeling to a Workday morning.
So we were talking about passion and I told him that as of these past few months, it feels like I’ve been lost again and now unsure if Photography is still really for me. I haven’t been traveling, i haven’t developed my two rolls of film and the films are still in the camera and I haven’t touched my camera…at all! How bad it is right?!
So yup, I was sort of blabbering the reasons why to Moon and then it slipped on me that another reason is that ‘it is a small world for us, and I don’t think I want to see him just yet’.
I know it was a very unreasonable reason to give up the passion and drive that I have just to avoid him, but what can I do? He’s more active to photography now than I am, maybe I should quit already. Maybe I should give up what I wanted to be since I was 14 years old. Who knows? Maybe I’m not really for photography right? Maybe I should just go. Maybe he’s better than I am. Maybe I’ve got nothing to contribute into that field. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
So Moon spoke up, as he is a very positive and mood lifting kind of a person which I really admire about him, said: You’re thinking too much. What if when you both meet there at the exhibit, he’ll be happy for you because you’re pursuing you passion? If it were me, I’ll be happy for her. Don’t think too much. Don’t think what reaction he will have on you. Just be happy for him. And just think about yourself, about what you want to do. Focus on yourself.
For me, passion shouldn’t adjust just because photography is a small world for you and him. If photography is your passion, don’t ever lose it. Don’t let it slip away on you.
And so some of his lines were recorded in my head and I keep thinking about it:
You’re thinking too much.
Passion shouldn’t adjust just because photography is a small world for you and him.
Don’t think what reaction he will have on you, just be happy for him.
All of his statements are true, but the third one got really stuck in my head. Maybe I should really be happy for him. Happy that he got what he wanted now. That he got what I also wished for him to have – his baby success to photography that I know will continue to grow until he is already famous.
Passion and Feelings
I’m glad Moon told me those. You know I already know those statements but it never really got stuck in my head. Or maybe I just really need someone to remind me again and I adore him for doing that even though it is a shame for me to tell a story about my past. Cool guy he is, really.
So yes. I’ve decided to change my perspective, little by little. Maybe that is just all I need. Be happy for him. So I can make peace with my passion again, and love it as one whole piece again.
So, how are you, Self?