One by one, I will clean.
Step by step, it will be gone – pracefully.
This is the day I went on cleaning my art supplies. Have I mentioned that I wanted to go back to my craft and paint again? The feeling that my hands are rusty already from making brush strokes makes me feel sad deep inside. It’s like some part of my soul has been compromised for doing something else which I thought was more important than improving or manifesting the art in me that I create. And it proved me wrong. I need to compromise for everything I want because that’s what will make myself happy and I believe that by being happy, you’re also spreading happiness to the people around you. Good vibe if you must say.
So one by one, I’ve been pulling art supplies from my lowest cabinet (paints like the mix of acrylics, poster paints, water colors, brushes, color palette, carving supplies, etc.) and there, is a one pack of textile paint I haven’t used yet nor opened yet – it came from him.
My initial feeling through this thinking that it was from him, we haven’t opened nor used it ever, he bought it, he knows this kind of craft, all at once in my head – I felt sadness. Sadness not in a sense that I wish he was here, I wish he could see this, I wish we could do it again together – NO. That’s not the kind of sadness I felt. It was not the sadness of longing, but it was the sadness of wishing we had done it before. The wish of we could have had done it while we were still together. The sadness of regret. And I would admit, regret hasn’t left me yet that fully, but I’ll be hoenst with myself that I know this is just the residue of it all and I accept that it must be felt to feel peace next.
The paint stands for our supposed-to-be project for my brother and his girlfriend. We’re suppoed to paint their couple shirts using these. He even made the pattern already (and that was amazing of him) but things happen and eventually, we hadn’t had the chance to do it anymore (sorry bro).
And you might ask, will I dispose it? Yes, if my family isn’t here then I can throw it off peacefully in the trash but I know they will not allow that situation to happen – why? It’s not dried up, it’s perfectly fine to use. To simply put, let’s be practical. It hasn’t been opened yet nor used, and instead of throwing it, we might still have the chance to use it on other stuff. And I think that is a greater idea than throwing it off.
So I’m finished with that paint issue then a thought came to me – how is he? And we know I don’t want to talk to him so I choose the option of social media platforms as to see how is he doing – and to summarize it, I think he’s doing good. I think he’s happy in what he’s doing. And seeing this, I felt the neutral “okay”. No jealousy, no anger, no butterflies in the stomach, no overjoyed feelings – just Neutral okay. And I think, so far this has been the greatest one that I’ve felt in this situation – And I feel proud of myself, seriously.
So anyway, I’ll be keeping the paints to be used in the future for other stuff that needs it – Though I hope that it is sooner, I cannot take away the truth that I also want it to be gone or to be used already – I hate being sad and if seeing it makes me sad, I just think that it’d better be gone soon.
But I havn’t finished cleaning yet. Had to take a break for a bit, the sun’s up and I’m feeling a bit odd again – just wanted to control it before it happens (you’ll know what I’m talking about if you have read my past posts *winks)
Anyway, it was nice blogging for a while again. You know, I can really blog/write on the spot and I felt happier doing this.
Will write soon again.