Wandering thoughts of a designer

I’ve got this freelance job(well, actually, it’s a sort of a favor from a friend of my brother’s) way back two years ago to create a layout album for a client. This friend of my brother has a photography group which do cover for weddings, birthdays, debuts, corporate events and the like. I did it too a couple of times but I’ve just been to 7th birthdays of kids and one step closer to covering a debut, but I didn’t take it that time for I am having doubts about it already. Also, I’m currently doing some photo albums already that time (the pictures that we’ve taken we’re compiled into an album – sort of comes with the package they availed from us) that I sort of not feeling well about my personal time anymore. I’ve felt that it eats up my ME time already since 5 times a week I do have a day job (and it’s a 9-hour job – gets out from 6AM and gets in to the house by 9PM beacause of the traffic here in Manila, but this deserves another post lol), and by the two weekends, one of those will be covering for the event – usually it’s Sunday.

And way back, I’ve graduated just a year ago and it makes me think that “should I be really doing this at this point in my life?” Well, there’s a couple of possible answers to that and you’ll know why I did took the job, then after a few months of doing it – I did quit.

I’ve graduated, I have my first job and I’m doing well, I earn money and I get to buy things I want and need but at this early age when I have all the strength and opportunity in the world, should I not do this? Should I not take this opportunity that can open up to new doors and new connections? Should I not?  This is the sort of things that my brother and sometimes, my parents as well talk me into – Get that job. It is an opportunity. You’re still young, you can do it.You can earn while you’re still young, that’s a good decision. And my inner thoughts agreed. And so I did.

I’ve started doing birthdays of the 7-year old kids. My brother allowed me on using his camera since he was busy on his job back then, he doesn’t have the time to use it anyway. I’ll commute from home to the event place. And since I am not that really used to go anywhere without any reason (I could say that I am sort of overprotected by parents while I’m studying), I sometimes do hesitate if I can go on that location alone – and I hate that kind of fear, but still I manage to conquer it all haha! So we should be there 1-hour or 30-mins before the program because we have to shoot the place, the set-up, and the candid shots of people going in before the event proper to start. And so when the programs starts, they’re always telling me to start off by not pressuring myself and just have fun since it I am really into photography – this should be easy for me. And yes, I’ve enjoyed most of it. I sometimes even watch the games from a corner and forget that I am part of that event – as a photographer and I need to do my job. Then we take turns in eating – someone must still continue shooting while other members are eating. Then finish off the program with groups shots of the family and friends of the birthday kid and some last shots for the birthday kid as well, then we head off home separately. It also came to a point where I am the only one doing the cover for the event. It’s a small birthday event but it is my whole coverage that they are paying, and I think that time that it was so cool but also tiring at the same time.

Then it became a cycle for the couple of events I had. And as it became a cycle and the stress from my day job can’t be removed by relaxing in just one day(which is Saturday), Sunday (events day) became a tiring day for me thinking that “I have a side job to take care of today and tomorrow it’ll be Monday already, I will not have any time to relax anymore. Should I be over stressing myself at this early age? Should I?” 

I feel like I’m not anticipating any events anymore. Thinking about it makes me feel tiresome. I sometimes wish that I will not receive any text message or call from them telling me that there’s another schedule for an event to cover. I feel lazy getting up every morning thinking I’ll be traveling again to a place I’m not sure where it is headed with an expensive gear on my back pack. And I’ll be home late and will not have time to do what I wanted to do. And that’s when I thought enough is enough. Yes it is an opportunity, I can get a lot of connections to go business with in the future but to the extent that I feel tired for most of the time (that I know I shouldn’t because I’m still young) and I know myself that I am not enjoying it anymore? That’s when I’ve come up with a decision to quit.

And now, I’m currently finishing off my very first album work I had – just sending off the final files to be printed. And I really really hope that this would be finish by the end of this month – I just want to put an end to this, like really. But it’s not like I don’t like the result I made, it’s just that I think I wanted to end that phase and start with a new one where I can lay out all the rules I can do myself and the services I can offer to my client. 

I wish I could start without ending this year. Even pencil plans would do for me. 

So help me God. 😊



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